Dear Married Man;
Everything about this is wrong…&I’m sending this to you because I know it must end for me to be well, in order to be really be honest for myself in recovery.
I’ll try my best to stick to taking my own inventory and owning my part in this. I own that I wanted you the minute I saw you. I own that I pursued you. I own that I ignored your words when you said, “My wife and kids mean everything to me.” I own that I was persistent even when you said ,"this is my last call."I own that given the opportunity to create the perfect partner, it would be you.
Now I have to own that though this is hard as hell (as tears stream down my face) I am the one that has to end this.
“Two consenting adults enjoying an amazing sensual and sexual relationship.”
I thought I could handle this.I was wrong.
Not only was I wrong but I broke the cardinal rule and developed feelings,
real feelings, deep fucking feelings.
I get butterflies when I anticipate seeing you
I feel a deep sadness whenever you leave, and I find myself wanting more of you with every passing day. I worry about you constantly while you’re working, and you are always on my mind; I have this overwhelming urge to share every experience with you, to run to you, and you are the center of my dreams every single night. I often fantasize about what we could be—a true couple, partners, and best friends who serve as each other’s biggest fans and strongest supporters—because I know we would be awesome together. But then, the crushing reality of your marriage sets in, and I am forced to realize that there will likely never be a real "us." There will be no spontaneous trips, no holding hands on a beach, and no introducing you to the people in my life. We won’t have the simple joys of going to the movies, dressing up for dinner, or celebrating birthdays and holidays together. There will be no quiet walks in the park and, perhaps most painfully, no falling asleep or waking up in your arms; none of it exists in this reality.This affair defines us as lovers, yet you have become a consuming addiction and an obsession that I cannot shake. My sickness prevails and is winning, as this addictive obsession remains heavy upon me, leaving me unable to practice the principles of recovery in all of my affairs.I’m talking clean but certainly living dirty with a married man because I’m broken, empty, and sad, looking for an external fix to cure my internal pain. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? Your smile, your laugh, and your touch excite and rekindle the embers that remain in my heart. I listen to your voicemails because the sound of your voice makes me feel like a giddy school girl; when my head is on your chest, listening to your heartbeat, it’s like time stands still. I feel safe, I feel whole, and the pressures of reality vanish for just a few sacred moments where I finally feel peace.
You shower, washing away evidence of our sex and passion. As I wash you, I just want to start all over and over again in the shower. I don’t want it to end, I don’t want you to leave.
You leave, you go back to her, you tell her a lie and return to your life.
As you drive away, I am overcome with sadness. I sit alone reminiscing about the amazing sex that meant something to me but was only a fucker to you.
The short lived feelings of ecstasy are replaced by crushing pain, guilt and shame of being with a married man.
Reality once again sets in- you belong to another and will never be mine.
I feel like a whore. Truly I'm
I don’t want to do this anymore but I miss you more than you will ever know.
I have to be strong.
I am worthy of love and deserve to be more than a lie.
The thought of never seeing you again, never feeling you inside of me is too overwhelming.
I turn to the principles I have learned during my recovery.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I say it over and over again to help halt the wave of anxiety. I know I am substituting sex with a married man for benefits.
One day at a time…
I just don’t have to have sex with you, a married man today.