The concept of "consent" is deeply intertwined with the fundamental human rights of all of us. "Consent" is often used in discussions regarding sexual violence. However, this concept is still widely misunderstood. Here, we explain what consent is and why it is worth understanding.
The fundamental idea of consent is that we have authority and agency over our bodies, properties, and lives. Therefore, no one has the right to force us into something that undermines our agency over ourselves. For instance, if we buy some mangoes with our hard-earned money, no one can forcibly snatch them away from us. Only we have the right to do whatever we wish with our mangoes. However, we can choose to share the mangoes with our loved ones.
Conversely, we do not have the authority to undermine others' agencies. That is why we cannot steal from anyone. This rule applies to everyone and in all contexts. Only the state can deprive us of these rights if we commit crimes.
Now, let us talk about sexual consent. The idea is the same. Every man, woman, and non-binary person has the right to dictate what they want to do with their bodies. Therefore, we can only have sexual relationships with people if they permit us. Otherwise, we shall respect their will and refrain from imposing our desires on them.
But how do we understand if somebody wants to engage in any sexual activity with us?
We ask them before making any moves. We cannot first kiss someone and then ask if they are okay with it. In the same way, we ask for our teacher's permission before entering the classroom, not after we do so. And if the answer is anything but "yes," we abstain. If they do not give a clear response, and we try to assume it, there is a strong probability that our assumption might be wrong.
Why is that so?
There are multiple reasons why someone might not say "no" sometimes. They might be confused, too shocked to hear the offer, annoyed and wanting to avoid the situation, or the reason could be anything else. However, it does not matter why they do not say "no" to our faces. What matters is that they did not say yes. If we ask someone for money and they hesitate, we do not take it as a yes. We understand that they are not interested in providing us with financial help. The same thing applies here as well.
But what if their behaviour is suggestive?
There are no clear definitions of suggestive behaviours. If a woman hangs out with her male friend in the middle of the night in Finland, people there most likely will not view it as a "signal." But if a Bangladeshi girl does the same, she might as well be slut-shamed for this. Many people might defend this tendency by calling it a part of our "culture." But the truth about culture is that it changes over time. However, what does not change is our human rights. The female children who burned to death in the name of "Sati Daho" had the right to live as much as any child of our generation. But they were killed in the name of religion and tradition. My point here is that although human rights are constant, traditions are not. And often, traditions can be barbaric. Therefore, doing something just in the name of tradition does not make a lot of sense.
A behaviour that we might think is suggestive might not appear so to someone else. We cannot make such crucial decisions based on subjective factors. But even if someone acts seductively, they might simply want to appear attractive and sensual. But that does not mean they are ready to have sex with someone. For instance, if an actress dances to an item song that sensualizes her, it does not mean that she wishes to have sex with everyone who is watching that music video. A matter of common sense, isn't it?
But what about our partners?
Let's use a thought experiment: "Maldini lives with his parents. Suddenly, he needs money. He decides to steal the money from his parents. His parents are old and have saved the money for themselves. He had previously asked them for the money, but they denied his request." Is it permissible for Maldini to steal the money? Most of us would probably say no, and we will be right to do so. Some might even find it more heinous than stealing from a non-relative. After all, our parents do so much for us. How can we act with such impunity against them? Our parents are indeed supposed to provide for us until we become adults, but that does not mean we can steal from them.
The same applies to marriages as well. We cannot force our partners to have sex with us. In extreme scenarios where one's sexual desires are not being fulfilled at all, one can have a conversation with one's partner. They have options like couples' counselling open to them. If someone is so unhappy because their partner is not interested in having any physical relationship with them, they have the option of breaking up or even filing for divorce. Being in a romantic relationship is a choice that we make. If a couple doesn't get along, it is better to break up than to molest, force, or hurt each other.
I understand that declarations such as "you need to get permission from your partner every time you touch them" might sound extreme, unrealistic, and unromantic. But this is not what consent is about. However, the function of consent in relationships plays a vital role in ensuring that a healthy sexual relationship remains present. Just because someone is in a relationship with or married to us does not mean they will always be available to have intercourse with us. They might be too tired, sick, or simply not in the mood. And no matter what the reason is, we must respect their decision. If they are not willing to have sex, then the least we can do is not push them for it. As they are our partners, we should take special care of them and respect their will.
Consent is neither a complex concept nor does it disrupt the relationships between men and women, contrary to popular belief. Consent is the ability to live as a free human being and not a slave. Respecting consent should not be hard- it is a matter of elementary kindness.
